I recently posted a blog about my daughter's adventures playing one of the video games I recently purchased. Before I had decided to post that blog, I had had some concerns about posting it because I thought some people might find it offensive. But in the end, I obviously posted it anyways. I figured if I'm already considering censoring what I wanted to post...then I might as well quit my blog now. Because that's just not the type of blog that I want to write.
But with all that said, I thought it might be a good idea to post about why I think it's okay to be doing what I'm doing. I would also be interested in any reader comments (either for or against) on the subject. I enjoy hearing different viewpoints...because I know that I've personally changed a lot of my views fairly recently because of different viewpoints that have been expressed to me.
So let's start from the beginning. Whenever my two boys were much younger...I used to restrict what they could watch or play. That's because someone, somewhere had told me that it might be bad for them. For instance...that watching violent movies and playing violent video games was not good for them. That it could lead to violent tendencies or could make them desensitized to violence. So...I went along with it because I wanted "the best" for my kids.
My eldest daughter is now three years old (almost four). She has been watching me play various video games...basically since the day she was born. I have not restricted her viewing much, even with movies and TV shows. I do watch a lot of mature shows, movies and video games...ones that have "bad" language, sex, violence, and even death/killing.
The only line I would probably draw here would be if I was watching something that was like a shock-horror movie (which is pretty rare for me)...something that might really scare her and give her unnecessary nightmares. I figure I'll try and let her create her own things to be scared of in her own due time.
So I do want to clarify here...that I'm not forcing her to do any of these things. She's making her own choices whether to sit and watch these things with me...and I try and answer any questions that she comes up with. Now, more often than not, she'll come over and start watching something with me...but quickly fade away to do something else she'd rather be doing...like watching a different movie or playing a different game. Most of the time...whatever it is I'm doing just doesn't interest her.
Now that leads to where we are now...in regards to the "mature" video game that I'm currently playing. I started it about a week ago and she had watched me play it off and on for a couple days. One time when she was briefly watching me play....she asked me if she could play this game...and I quickly told her no. This was not because I was concerned about the "mature" nature of the game...but because I know that she has difficult time with the game controller...mostly with being able to move around in that type of game. Her hands just aren't quite big enough to hold it in order to use the joystick easily. So when my friend suggested that I should write a blog about her playing the game too...I jumped on it. I knew I would have to help her along with the controls...but I knew it was something she would enjoy because she already asked me to do it...and it would also be something she could do with me.
So I asked her if she still wanted to play that game...and she told me she did...and here we are. So now, I only play the game with her when she asks to play...and I only play as long as she wants to play...which is usually only about 15-30 minutes. I do have to help her with the controls a little...but she's getting better each time she plays. If nothing else, I figure I'm helping her with her hand-eye coordination and fine motor skills. She also really likes to "kill the bad guys". She mostly just sits there mashing the button as fast as she can until they are all dead. And she gets excited about "winning" against them.
Now, as far as the "Bella's Kill Count" is concerned...that was more of something funny to put up that people could check every time they read my blog. If people don't really think it's all that funny, then I can just take it down.
I hope that is enough of an explanation for people...there's actually probably more that I could say on the subject...but I figure that's enough reading for you guys for now. So PLEASE leave some comments if you feel so inclined to do so. I would like to hear about why you agree or disagree. Or maybe just tell me about what you do with your kids and why you choose to do so.
“Most of the time...whatever it is I'm doing just doesn't interest her.”
ReplyDeleteAs the dad, with a three your old running around your heels, isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? That you’re supposed to be the one to suck it up and get interested in whatever it is that she’s doing, regardless of whether it interests you or not?
Not necessarily...I think there needs to be some balance there. The statement you quoted makes it sound like all that I'm ever doing is playing video games and not spending time doing something she likes to do. I do still spend time with her doing other things she likes to do.
DeleteHowever, If I was doing that all the time...then I feel that I'm just teaching her to sacrifice what it is that you love to do in order to spend time doing something else that you don't really like to do as much. I want to show her that it's okay to be selfish...that it's okay to make the choice to do what you love you to do...even if it might make someone else upset or unhappy. I'm teaching her this by setting that example.
You realize she likes the video games because they’re what she sees you doing, right? If she didn’t have the suggestion of the video games, she wouldn’t want to play them. Teaching a 3-year old — someone not old enough to reason with, someone not old enough to make life or death decisions with — to kill, be it in video games or not, is not ok.
DeleteAnd if you were to do other, more traditional "kid" things, you wouldn’t be "teaching her to sacrifice what it is that you love to do in order to spend time doing something else that you don't really like to do as much." You would actually be teaching her that what is important to her is important to you, too. You would teaching her that, when you make the decision to have children, you’re predisposed to make many many sacrifices for them, every day. You would be teaching her that spending time with her doing the things that she wants to do makes YOU happy, too, simply because it means spending time with her.
Instead, you’re teaching her that even when you’re adult, you can avoid your responsibilities as a parent and act like a kid: selfish, self-centered, and immature.
I disagree with the fact that she can't reason...or make life/death decisions. I think she knows more about what's best for her and about life than you probably give her credit for. I think the ideas you promote are what's been ingrained in our minds...because that's how we've been taught to parent our whole lives. And frankly, I just don't know if I believe most of those things any more.
DeleteI strongly believe that she learns so much more from my personal actions and the actions of the family members around her...which includes our interactions with other humans and animals around us. She doesn't see any family members going around being violent...she doesn't see us hitting or hurting anyone...she sees us loving and caring for each other, with all of us attempting to do what makes us happy within the family unit.
I guess I also disagree that I'm "predisposed to make many many sacrifices for them". Ultimately, I don't think I should have to sacrifice anything for them. I think maybe we're using semantics here...and we're each reading into what the other is actually doing by the precies words that we use. I hear you say "sacrifice"...and I assume that means you're doing something that you wouldn't normally want to do...and therefore you would rather be doing something else that would make you happier. For example, if I chose to sacrifice playing video games...or even if I chose to just not play the particular games that I wanted to play and forced myself to play more "kid-friendly" games...I believe that she would be able to see that I wasn't really doing what made me happy.
I think maybe the "responsibilities as a parent" that you see are different than the ones that I see. But really, neither of us our wrong. You have to go with whatever you feel is right for you and your children. In my thoughts, we're all still just big kids...I've never really felt like anything else.
@royalbacon, for Gen X, Y, and the Millennials, video gaming is THE "traditional kid thing" -- and also the traditional teenage thing as well.
ReplyDeleteI also object to the tone of your post. It reeks of the stench of "holier than thou". How do you draw all those conclusions from just the fact that Andrew lets his daughter play a video game. The only person who even deserves a voice and tone like yours (and even then, barely) is the child's mother.
I really would like to share this link with you. It is from a TED talk -- about gaming, and its power on youth and creating a better world.
http://www.ted.com/talks/jane_mcgonigal_gaming_can_make_a_better_world.html
@Deva...first of all...thanks for your words of encouragement, and thanks for the TED link...I don't think I've ever seen a TED link that I didn't enjoy watching.
DeleteI would like to say that the reason that royalbacon is so open and makes "all those conclusions" about me and my family is because he is my brother. He already knows a whole lot more about me than just what's listed in my blog.
We currently have slightly? different views on parenting...and I encourage him to respond to the things I say/post as openly as he can.
Thanks Deva, I’ve seen that talk and I enjoy what Jane McGonigal does in the video game world today.
ReplyDeleteI’m sorry if it sounds like I’m saying a child shouldn’t play video games, as that’s not the case at all. I’m saying that the motivating factor for a child playing video games shouldn’t be because that’s what she sees daddy doing all the time, especially if it involves morals and actions that are well above a 3-year old’s ability to reason with. It’s the parent’s job to be the moral compass for a child, and Andrew’s compass is off.
1) Life can't just be about making yourself happy, especially when you have children. I think it's more about making it possible for everyone to be as happy and fulfilled as they can be in the family unit.
ReplyDelete2) I think the main issue with the post you wrote was that you are teaching your child to kill, even if it's pretend, and teaching a child to be violent and celebrate violence is disturbing and potentially effecting her ability to empathize and be sensitive to others.
We had a pediatrician who specialized in brain development in young children and babies speak to our mom's group early on. I remember her talking about violent imagery not only causing anxiety and nightmares (obvious) but also desensitizing young kids to violence that they see in real life and even causing them to be less empathetic towards others. I have seen a little of this in my younger students and it has increased over the years. Here is an article discussing this.
http://www.pamf.org/preteen/parents/videogames.html
Another one states this: "Studies of children exposed to violence have shown that they can become: “immune” or numb to the horror of violence, imitate the violence they see, and show more aggressive behavior with greater exposure to violence. Some children accept violence as a way to handle problems. Studies have also shown that the more realistic and repeated the exposure to violence, the greater the impact on children. In addition, children with emotional, behavioral and learning problems may be more influenced by violent images." Now I know your game isn't realistic but beings are still killed by you, the player, so violence and death is still a result (possibly a goal?) of the game. (The quote above came from this:http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/children_and_video_games_playing_with_violence)
Another piece:
"Young children have difficulty distinguishing reality from fantasy, which makes them more vulnerable to the effects of media violence. They may become more aggressive and fearful if they are exposed to high levels of violence in video games."
http://www.media-awareness.ca/english/parents/video_games/issues_child_videogames.cfm
Anyway, you asked for discussion, so here it is!
-Danielle
Thanks for commenting Danielle. I always appreciate your insight because I know you put a lot of thought and research into your responses...as is evident here.
Delete1) I think we're both in agreement with your first statement. I haven't really talked about it, but I do realize that I will occasionally need to make compromises within the family so that others within the family can be happy as well. Which is probably why I'm not sitting there playing video games for more of the day than I currently am. And even though I encourage myself and others to be selfish...that doesn't mean I'm encouraging everyone in the family to be selfish all the time.
2) First off...I don't want to come off like I'm completely discounting the studies or the idea that kids watching violent imagery can de-empathize (was that a new word?) them. In regards to the studies...nothing is mentioned about how the kids were raised or what their home/family environment is like. I've already stated that I think interactions within the family are a much stronger influence than probably most anything else.
Also, I'm fairly certain that the other kids within my daughter's play group are not playing or seeing the types of movies/video games that I'm letting her experience. Yet I don't see any signs that my daughter is less empathetic than any of them. I guess my point here is this...I hear the ideas that it might be negatively affecting her, but I just don't currently see those results. Now maybe it's more of a long-term kind of affect...but then back to the same point I just made, that long term she's going to experience more time interacting with the family than she will playing those particular games or watching those particular videos.
@Danielle...I also did some quick searching on the internet to see if I could find any research that supports the opposite view...that violence in video games is not a bad thing. Here's what I found:
DeleteThe first is a study done at the Harvard Medical School Center for Mental Health and Media.
http://news.cnet.com/8301-17938_105-9942041-1.html
In an excerpt from the researcher's book http://www.grandtheftchildhood.com/GTC/Home.html ...one statement caught my eye..."Much of what we found surprised us. The data were both encouraging and, at times, disturbing. The more we analyzed our own data and looked at other research, the more we realized that we -- parents, politicians, researchers and child advocates -- probably worry too much about the wrong things and too little about more subtle issues and complex effects that are much more likely to affect our children." And also this..."We want to protect our children from potentially harmful consequences, but we don't know how to do that or what those consequences might be."
Here's another link of another research study done at Texas A&M. http://www.daniweb.com/hardware-and-software/home-theater-home-entertainment/news/301460
There's a lot of data out there on almost any subject...the problem I see is that you can problem find reasonable data or research supporting your case for just about any argument.
I read the Harvard study as well when searching but noted that it wasn't talking about the youngest of kids, like your own. I believe there is a rating system for good reason. That being said, I'm not a stickler for them but I do believe that they are often helpful (games, music, movies, etc). Young children become desensitized to violence (and other things) by seeing it over and over OR become more anxious. I don't see this as easily countered. I have an example right now of a 6th grader with a lovely family (I knew his older brother well, met his parents several times, and they are all bright, interesting, kind, and fully involved parents/brother) who chose to created a drawing about a horrible car crash and then the disfigured child who tries to kill herself. HE told me these were all based on his video game and didn't really see why the other children were saying that story was scary/creepy. He understands that it is sad but kind of shrugged it off. It was interesting timing that this happened in my class yesterday.
DeleteI will read the other two soon.
First...I'm really curious what video game that child was playing.
DeleteSecond...does the child act out violently towards other kids...and does he not show empathy when someone in real life gets hurt? Those would be things I would be worried about. Although drawing the images you described seems a little strange...and not something I would ever want to do...there are plenty of adults out there that draw stuff like that for art.
Exactly, Drew...adults. And I could care less about adults who do that. I let him draw whatever he wants b/c I encourage self expression in my classes, but the fact that he chose this topic as a small child is worrisome to all who know 11 year olds. And yes, he isn't the most empathetic kid around. I wish I rememberred the names of the games he plays...
DeleteI do know that he is under watchful yes around here due to things he has done and said to other kids, and himself. He also has free reign to play any games he wants, watch anything on youtube he wants, and movies are up to him, but for some reason TV is restricted. That's all I know.
His reactions to others are more extreme then other kids his age but I'm not sure about him acting more violent. Again, that is not something I believe to be a "side effect" of gaming.
WOOHOO!...my blog blew up last night! Thanks everyone for the comments. Ok...sorry for celebration...just glad for the interaction. I'll try to answer all the comments in separate responses to avoid confusion.
ReplyDeleteAllow me to bring up another hot topic: sex. Why is showing kids violent imagery of death and mayhem ok, but sex inappropriate?
ReplyDeleteAnd if you don’t think sex is inappropriate, are you sharing porn with your 3-year old as well?
I’m not arguing one way or the other on this, I’m just pointing out the discrepancy across the board. IMHO, I’d first share sexual content over violent content, if I had to make a choice.
I don't have any issues with showing sex or sexual situations to my kids. However, I wouldn't show them any of the porn I look at...but I also don't show any of my friends or family my porn as well. Sex is something I (as well as most every human) do...violence is not. If they happened to see porn at some point...even at their age, I don't think there would be any problems. It would probably take me a little bit to figure out how to explain it to them so they could understand, but I would really hate to ever make them feel there's anything wrong with having sex or even with watching people have sex.
DeleteHow is a conversation between family your blog "blowing up"? If you wanted to instigate a conversation between family, there are many other, much better ways to have these conversations.
ReplyDeleteStopping now.